The one emotion that I feel day in and day out is resentment.  I seem to resent so many things from making bad life choice to partake with something that  will cost me my career.  The fact that I resent that gives me resentment because it’s treated as a criminal act and in no way should be. Drinking alcohol is a worse vice to have morally and statistically speaking.  Alcohol kills FAR more people a year with it’s use. Anything that is done to excess is not good whether it be use of alcohol, pot, food, love.

I’m having doubts about the things closest to me in my life.  First with the job.  Sure it’s providing income so my family can continue the lifestyle that they want but at what cost to my health.  I continue to smoke and not exercise. The chemicals in cigarettes are so loaded with toxins that it’s killing cells in my body thus polluting it from receiving energy from the universe.  The choice to smoke shouldn’t be because it’s giving me relief from stress. How is it giving me relief? Every time I light up I feel resentment for doing it.  I tell myself with each cigarette that it’s killing me.  The taste of the smoke is so awful that I must have something to drink to counter act the taste of it in my mouth. What actual relief am I feeling from it? I feel my heart beat harder in my chest when smoking.  I feel burning in my lungs and throat.  My heart rate seems to increase and I can feel my blood pressure raise when smoking. The question here is HOW do I counteract the desire to smoke?  Is there a substitute to it?  Even using the vapor mods make my throat burn when using them.  Plus there are chemicals in those as well, mainly nicotine. The choice I have to make here is clear. STOP SMOKING!

My relationship with spouse:  A great many things are entering my mind about this. I have analyzed this so much over the past years and still the same feelings come back to me time and time again.  Let’s start with the questions I ask myself and the answers I receive when asking them.  Does she really love me?  If so how does she show it?  What does she love about  me?  When I ask her if she loves me she tells me “of course I do.” So how does she show she does? Since she doesn’t show affection the same way I do, from research and counseling I’ve learned she “speaks a different love language.” In talking to her about the love languages and from my opinion on her language she shows it by “acts of service.”  So what acts of service does she show?  First I suppose is the intimacy part of it. She will take a few minutes to give relief when I’m home.  Before I took the job the frequency was once or twice a week.  But with that come my own questions of the motives from her.  Does she do that because she wants to?  Does she receive  joy in doing it or does she do it because of the constant barrage of requests and or hints? If she doesn’t enjoy doing it is it because of the frequency of which I ask and hint?  Is it because of that, that she actually resents it now?  Did I lead her to resenting it or was it there from the start? What other acts of service does she show that she loves me?  She has shown pure affection when I was so down and sad about the loss of my mother and father.  If “acts of service is her love language, what acts do I show her? I guess the answer is none unless asked.  What acts has she asked for?  Filling her gas tank on her car and taking care of oil changes and maintenance. Clean up after the kids at home.  Take care of the kids at home and allow her to be on the computer to work or school.  Take care of house maintenance such as the pool, air filters, keeping living areas orderly. How often was I doing these things before I took this job?  Hardly ever on my own, only when asked. Although I will try to keep the kids at bay however she has a MUCH lower tolerance of them making noise and playing than I do.

My relationship with kids:  How have a been a good father to my kids? I tell them I love them and praise them when they do good things or for little accomplishments they have.  I give them affection in hugs and touches.  I tell them how proud I am of them and reward good deeds with affection.  These I suppose are a few good things that I do for my kids.  However with taking this job I don’t get to show affection towards them that often.  They don’t like talking on the phone and when they do talk it’s because mommy forces them to.  They will not choose to do so.  What things do I need to get better at with them?  Spending more time with them when I’m at home.  When I come home most of my time is spent in my room on my computer.  I have made an effort into not spending so many hours playing my game.  However I’m still spending all my time in my room either: Going thru facebook, forums, watching videos, listening to music, researching things. What things can I do to spend more time with the kids?  I should be taking them to the park to ride bikes now that they both have them. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to look for a bike for myself so I can take them riding.  This is an activity that I like to do (or at least used to) and will get us outside exercising and actually being outside. Watching movies with them. I should be spending at least 10 to 15 minutes with them JUST TALKING.  Maybe if I get them used to spending one on one time with me at home they will talk with me more on the road.

Synopsis of this post: I have alot of room to grow as a father and spouse. I put far more energy into my personal feelings when I’m at home.  If I think about it, when taking into consideration the times I’ve been home since I took my job, I can safely say I’ve put about 90% of my time in my room rather than being out with the kids or Dawn.  I think I use her being on the computer so much as a reason for spending so much time on my computer. This is not paving the way for a healthy family relationship.  This is what I will work on doing the next time I go home.  I will not spend so much time in my room.  This may be difficult because everyone is used to what I’ve been doing when I have been home.  But I should not use that as an excuse to say “fuck it” and go in there.

My job doesn’t seem to be doing anything in my life other than pay bills. It’s not leading me down a path of spiritual enlightenment.  It’s not fulfilling my needs to be a better person. Will losing my job be a blessing in the way that I can start dedicating more time to my spiritual enlightenment and time with my family?  My thoughts on that are mixed. I have a feeling that in some ways it will be a sign from the universe that the job is leading me away from my path. My path in life is not to work and spend most of my time by myself at home. The feelings of needing to write are coming back to me again.  Those feelings have been lost in my day to day life of working and playing games. How can I possibly achieve spiritual enlightenment when I am trying to drown my stress in other things?

Will losing my job be a sign from the universe that it’s time to start on my path?  Or is it a catalyst from the decisions and way I’ve been living my life until now?  Thank you Lord for the time you’ve given me to pray and meditate on my life…..