Inside our head at any given moment, 24 hours a day, we have an inner dialogue in our minds. It can be one voice or many. Myself I struggle with many voices going on it seems. But it seems, looking back, that there is one voice in particular that is louder than the others. All of this inner chatter has been coined, or refereed to as “monkey brain.”

For many years I’ve tried connecting with my inner voice or higher self or intuition. No matter the name I give it, it’s all the same thing. I really haven’t found a term I’m comfortable with referring to this dialogue yet.

Years ago when I first started getting into metaphysics or spirituality, I was fascinated with all of the sub genres that encompass metaphysics. There was no one thing that I wanted to study. I went to the metaphysical book store (yes this was before the internet was widely available) and the titles of the books were jumping out at me. It was much like going to an animal shelter to find a dog and all the dogs are jumping up on the cages and barking and whining trying to get your attention. This was the same thing that happened to me when looking at books. So anyway the first book that looked interesting enough to buy was a book by Sanaya Roman called “Opening to channel – How to connect with your spirit guide.”

Early on in my life when I really wanted to stop and learn about my intuition, reading about channeling was what first got me to stop and listen. I thought that it was an outside source of knowledge that I needed to tap into in order to grow spiritually. Here is/was my biggest mistake. I came to a conclusion on what I was supposed to be hearing. A predetermined outcome.

So going back to this book, I believe I read it in a day, almost in one sitting. The words just flew  off the pages and into my eyes and I soaked them in like a sponge. I went on to buy 4 or 5 more books by Sanaya Roman.

So shortly after embarking on my inner self discovery I would try to channel this inner voice. I read up on meditation and tried many times to do the things I was reading from the different authors and how they channel. For the next several years I was having little to no luck achieving what I was reading about the authors of the books doing.

I was expecting to see these clairvoyant images or external voices coming to life within my mind. And here is where my mistakes were being made. I was having pre-determined expectations on what I was supposed to be experiencing instead of just listening to that inner voice or intuition. I went on for many years trying this meditation and channeling thing to no effect. I was getting more frustrated as time went on and was losing interest in the thing that had been pulling me for years. I felt like a failure for not being able to channel like I’d been seeing so many other clairvoyants and psychics do.

Here is a look into my stubbornness. I have been trying to meditate and channel this so called spirit guide of mine for the about 20 years now. Yes 20 freaking years of expecting something and not getting it. This is borderline insanity. 

So if it came from Albert Einstein it has to be good right? Well the dictionary definition of insanity is a bit more clinical than this but you get the gist.

So the hardest thing for me to do is stop listening to what my mind “expects” for things to be. This goes into the difference between the ego and the divine. Remember earlier when I mentioned I have many different voices going on at once? “Monkey brain.” I’m now just learning, after 20 years of expecting something and not getting it, to just listen to this voice that speaks to me. It’s the voice that is telling my fingers what letters to type right now. I’m not thinking about what I’m typing, the words are just flowing from my mind.

I haven’t learned to completely trust this process yet. That is what this blog is all about. My journey into tapping in to this inner voice. My intuition if you will. Over time I’m hoping all this shit coming from my mind will make sense. And if when I’m going back and reading what I’m writing is making some kind of sense, then I’ll learn to trust what voice I’m getting these words from. So I’m starting a relationship with myself if that makes sense.

It’s time to seperate the inner chatter of my mind and tap into the divine voice that is my higher consciousness or true self. I’m very appreciative and happy that you are coming along and experiencing this with me. I’m also very appreciative and happy that my higher self is still trying to speak to me after all these years of ignoring and expecting something different.

I had a calling long ago that told me that writing is what I’m supposed to be doing in this lifetime. So if you’re like me and all this spiritual stuff is interesting to you and you’ve been trying to no avail the same things I have with little to no success. Then maybe we can grow together and be the champion of ourselves.