I will chronicle the pain and anguish of the past week. I’m warning you the reader right now, this post is not meant to make you feel good. It’s a chronicle of the emotions that myself and my family have been feeling this past week.

The beginning

This story starts two years ago while I was driving over the road.I read on facebook that my daughter is engaged to a man she was in college with. I’ve never met the man that is about to marry my daughter so my fatherly instinct is kicking in hard when reading her announcement. The first call I make is to her Mom, my ex wife Michelle. I call to see if what I’m reading is true and if she’s heard. Of course she has, Breanna told her Mom that Dylan proposed to her. So I call my daughter to talk to her and give her my support. Inside I’m fighting a battle in my mind. She is 20 years old and is too young to be considering such a huge life decision when she hasn’t even graduated college yet!!! Oh but I can’t tell her this because it may create a huge rift in our relationship. I know it’s just my overprotective dad mind speaking.

I had just so happen to be driving through the state that they are at on that day, so I went to meet this young man and my daughter and the young man’s mother. I gave my blessing while asking when the date would be and if this is indeed the wisest course of action. They were both feeling my uneasiness but find ways to justify the union. I’m wasn’t going to disagree. So I gave my support and get on with my next step of getting to know my future son-in-law. Over the course of the next several months I get to know as much as I can. They come to my house for Thanksgiving. Now I’ve had a chance to talk one on one with Dylan and you know what? I’m really starting to like this young man. I can get right on board with their engagement.

The year they marry. I along with Breanna’s stepfather walk her up the aisle. I’m very pleased with this and have learned to wholeheartedly accept Dylan into my life. He gets offered a job out of state in Virginia and they strike out on their own right after graduation. Things are moving in the right direction. Breanna gets a job at the same church Dylan was hired at. They are starting their lives together on the right foot.

Shortly after this I get a call from my Breanna. She is holding back tears. I know what this call is. I can feel it. She is calling me out of nowhere. I ask her what she is trying so hard not to tell me. She’s pregnant. Right after the wedding I talked to them and asked them to please use good judgement and use protection. Kids at this early stage of the game will make things more difficult. She thinks I’m going to be let down and she is crying on the phone waiting for the inevitable scolding I’m going to give her. However I’ve prepared for this day. I’ve been reading her facebook posts and I’ve already come to the conclusion that this was coming. I try to reassure her that I’m not disappointed one bit. And I’m not. I’m concerned but I’m not disappointed at all. My now 21 year old daughter, is going to have my 1st grand baby!

The journey hits a bump

When the 12 week genetic check up comes it brings tragic news with it. The doctor in Virginia has looked at the ultrasound and said that the baby has cystic hygroma . In my daughters words she hears this news;

“Our OB at the time came in and in a grim voice explained that he had a large amount of fluid on his neck- the most she’d ever seen- and that he had 0% of being a normal baby, if he even made it to viability.”

But my kids are strong in their faith in God. They ask for prayers from everyone at their church and in social media. My daughter then loses her job at the church. Things aren’t working out well for Dylan in his position either. They make the decision to move back to Knoxville, TN where they graduated college and Breanna’s mother still lives. My heart is broken. I feel so terrible for my young daughter. My faith in God is nowhere near as strong as her’s if there is any there at all. I’ve turned into a skeptic after the death of my Mother 4 years ago. I’m not sure I believe in the God that was taught to me. I’m looking for physical proof, not just the words of men from 2000 years ago.

But then a miracle happens. Just before they leave for Knoxville they have another test. In my daughters words they hear this;

” Finally, a couple weeks before we moved back to Knoxville, we got good news. Not only had our baby reached viability, his cystic hygroma was gone and he showed zero signs of abnormality or deficiency. They said he was by all accounts a healthy baby!”

It looks like the coast is clear

My faith in God is starting to return! I’ve just witnessed a modern day miracle. The prayers they asked for were answered! The next several months is filled with one good report after another. My daughter and son-in-law are overjoyed with this bundle of sweetness in her belly. I am at peace with the fact that at 46 years old I am going to be a grandfather to what I know now is going to be a boy. My heart is swelling with pride!

I get a phone call one day from Breanna and she wants to share with me what name they have decided on their baby boy. His name will be Samuel James. Samuel meaning “god hears.” She swears me to secrecy on his name so I have to hold it in. I can keep it from social media but I must tell my fiance Dawn and family the news. I’m getting so excited to meet the 2nd generation from me.

It seems my life is finally starting to turn around. I have made my blog and I have starting posting some things in it. It’s nearly ready to start advertising. I’ve got a new full time job that gets me home every night. I’m making enough money along with my fiance’s business to keep our house and life is really starting to go on the upswing.

It all takes a tragic turn.

On October 31st my daughter is admitted to the hospital in Knoxville, TN. She is 38 weeks into the pregnancy and is ready to deliver. Everything is looking good. I’ve put in my vacation request at work for November 18th through the 21st so I can meet my first born grandchild. My little Samuel is coming and I’m on pins and needles. at 7:21 PM I send a text to my son-in-law that is sending chills down my spine as I write this. My text says;

“Alright Bud! Stand by your wife’s side and bring in that little boy!!! You’ll remember the next 24 hours for the rest of your life. See you soon!” 

In the afternoon of November 1st I’m getting group texts from Dylan on the status of the baby. However they aren’t coming fast enough to my liking so I’m texting with my ex wife Michelle for quicker updates as she’s at the hospital with them. She sends me the first text at 3:23 PM that gives rise to the dark voice in my head. The text says;

“She’s having irregular contractions right now and they won’t up the meds to make her contract more. They gave her some medicine last night that is supposed to help flatten her cervix. That’s why she is having irregular contractions” 

At 7:03 PM I get both a group text and a text from Michelle that says;

“She’s complete! Going to push in a minute.”

My mind is racing at this point. Because of the hiccups at the beginning of the pregnancy and because I’m a worried father and also because I’ve been awake for a long time trying to get my body used to a night schedule for my route the next day. I get in the shower and I’m now talking with God. I’m standing under the water and looking up at the ceiling and saying; “You better not take my daughter to you hear me? So help me if anything happens to her you’ll have to deal with me!”  (In retrospect it is never a good idea to threaten God. Good things just never happen when you do this.) But I’m a worried father and I’m hoping that he understands where I’m coming from. I have my phone propped up on the shower so I can read the good news as soon as it comes. I have prepared a group text to all my family members with the following announcement;

“I’d like to announce the newest addition to the [family] clan!! Samuel James [last name] was born at _____ and weighing in at _____.”

I left a couple of spaces to add the specifics. I got out of the shower and kissed my fiance good night. As I laid down I text my ex again to see what’s going on. It’s been an hour since I heard anything and my heart is sinking. I’m strongly starting to suspect something is wrong. At 8:58 PM I ask my ex “what is going on?” The reply I get sends me into panic mode. My dark voice is justified. The text says: “Not really sure, he wasn’t breathing when born and no heartbeat. They got a heartbeat and he’s now breathing but not moving. They have no idea what went wrong.”

As I laid there in bed I began to sob uncontrollably. I am in full panic mode coupled with extreme fatigue. My fiance comes into the room and I show her my phone. She leans down and hugs me and starts to console me. She is trying her hardest to look at the positive side. I’m not hearing her so much as my inner voice telling me that everything is far from alright. I erase my group text of the birth announcement and send the following instead;

“I had an exciting announcement prepared with the good news of Breanna’s baby Samuel James who was born at 8:24 Central time. However something went wrong and they are fighting to save the baby that was born without a heartbeat and wasn’t breathing. I’ll fill you all in when I hear something. I’m going to sleep and will talk to you tomorrow”   

The longest day

After I fell asleep my fiance took my phone from the nightstand next to me and was texting with my ex. Michelle was filling in Dawn of the happenings. She had woke me up one time to show me a photo Michelle sent:  

I’ve been hooked to a respirator. I know what it means if you’re on one. So this photo made everything hit home. When I look at it I’m both overjoyed and scared to death at the same time. Here is my first born grandson. I’m so proud!! But he’s fighting for his life and I’m 600 miles away and have to go to work for at least a 24 hour shift that I can’t get out of. The week before I called out sick on a 24+ route which shook up my rather shaky position at work. If I call out a second week in a row I can pretty much kiss my job goodbye or at the very least expect a written warning that I can’t afford getting. I’ve had 2 call outs at work and a minor damage accident in the past few months. I’ve been warned already my job is on shaky ground.

I went to sleep just after noon because I was to drive out at 10:00 PM for a 26 hour route to Pensacola Florida and Dothan Alabama. Because of D.O.T. regulations I can only drive for 11 hours or work a 14 hour day. However it never works like that when you do these longs routes. They are team routes meaning there are two drivers. But not one driver will stay in the sleeper berth of the truck when you arrive at a restaurant to deliver. Even though your log book shows you’re in the sleeper off duty, you always get up to help with the delivery. It’s a catch 22. You can refuse to get up and help but that is a guaranteed way to get yourself taken off of these long routes. And put a mark on your back as not being a team player.

When I woke up at 7:00 PM there wasn’t much change in news. Michelle sent me a text saying that they were going to be able to spend a few minutes with Samuel before they transferred him to Children’s hospital in Knoxville. I told Dawn that I was going to turn my phone off and if she needed to get a hold of me to call my co-drivers phone. I didn’t want to worry about the situation while I was at work because there would be nothing I could do being 7 hours from home in Pensacola and Dothan. I ended up keeping my phone on so I could listen to Spotify while driving. I wasn’t watching facebook at didn’t get any texts on the drive to Pensacola.

Little did I know, my world crashed down

11/2/16

Unbeknownst to be, while driving to Pensacola a tragedy happened. I got to my first stop around 6:00 AM. Dawn sent me a text asking what time I was going to stop driving. I told her I’m at my first stop and then would be driving to my second stop in Dothan and would be done driving by 9:00 AM. She knew a horrific thing that I didn’t right then. The last post she sent me before I turned off my phone said:

“I think you should shut your phone off soon or at least before you lay down. Once people start waking up the fb and texting will start again”. – 6:18

“Although it’s probably doing that anyway with all the Cubs posts!” – 6:25

“Call me when you wake up!” – 6:30

I don’t know it but Dawn is protecting me from knowing what happened at 12:05 AM Central time. My little Samuel. My little first born grandson, after only 28 hours, has passed away. Even as I’m writing this on November 8th, we still don’t know why. Perhaps we never will. Someone took 5 photo’s of the family at the Children’s hospital that include my ex wife Michelle and her husband, my son-in-law’s parents and of course Breanna and Dylan. The doctors took him off of life support as they could tell the end was near and inevitable. My daughter and son-in-law got to hold him as he passed. Shortly after, this photo was taken:

Somewhere around 8:30 AM I was driving the last leg of my route from Pensacola to Dothan. My co-driver woke up as I was taking the exit off of I-10 to Dothan, which is only about 10 minutes from I-10. As I was coming up through the gears my co-driver says, “Hey you see that open area next to the subway? Can you pull over right there for a minute?”  The moment he asked me that I knew what was about to come and in a daze I get the truck pulled over and stopped. He then open his door and says, “I’m going to go to the subway, you need to call your wife bro.”  Instantly my throat stared tightening. I felt like a black curtain was being pulled around me from both sides of my peripheral vision. I called Dawn and as soon as she picks up the phone I hear her crying. She simply tells me, “I’m sorry baby, he’s gone, he didn’t make it.”

Tears…..tears start running from my eyes. I was wearing my bluetooth for the conversation. I dropped my phone from my hands that are now trembling with grief. I’m not sure what I even told Dawn at this point. All I remember from this moment is a deep deep feeling of internal dread. One of my worst nightmares just came into reality. Dawn tells me to call my daughter. She is waiting to talk to me.

I got out of the truck and aimlessly walked in a direction away from the truck. I fell to my knees and looked up at the sky and exclaimed, “Why mother fucker why??!!!  I lost my grandson and faith all in one fell swoop. All that is coming to my mind is visions of every loved one I’ve had that has passed in my life. I’m re-living walking out of my mom’s hospice room and knowing it was the last time I’d ever see her alive. I re-seeing my grandfather sitting lifelessly in his recliner. I’m seeing my deceased cousin lying in his casket at 16 years old. I’m back in time when my brother and sister-in-law lost their 3 month old baby Sean. I’m back at my grandmothers bed side again, holding her hand as she takes her last breath.  All of it. I don’t know how much time had passed while I was on the ground screaming at God and reliving all of my saddest moments in life.

I remember trying to stifle the tears and sobbing to make the call to Breanna. I remember the phone dialing and connecting. I remember talking to her. But in the week that has passed since then, my mind is already burying my grief, deep into the neurons of my brain. My brain is in self preservation mode again. I still…..have not let myself properly grieve and cry. And my grief is turning to bitter anger again. I’ve had a few opportunities since to be alone with my thoughts and just let them all out. But I can’t. I’ve been playing video games and writing and reading about the presidential election. This is an automatic response I have to grief. Bury the shit out of it. I know it’s hurting me in the long run but I can’t stop it.

After my conversation with Breanna I slumped back to the ground and let out some more uncontrollable tears and emotion. Then I suddenly felt like I came back into my body and remembered I was at work. Sitting on the ground not far from the Florida and Alabama state lines. I look up and see my co-driver now sitting in the driver seat of the truck. I have to get this route done and get off this truck and to my daughter. I choke every bit of emotion that is going through me down as best I can and climb into the passenger seat of the truck. I hear my co-driver tell me something like, “I am so so sorry brother. My heart is aching for you right now.”  I told him the situation a few hours earlier and I’m not sure what Dawn’s text to him said. Tears filled my eyes again. I managed to squeak out an apology for having to see me go through this. I look at him and he’s got tears in his eyes as well. I would not let him see me have an emotional breakdown of epic proportions. I choke and swallow and hide everything in me with the greatest fortitude I could muster. I point down the road and tell him to just go. I need to get the food off the truck and on my way to Tennessee.

I called my transportation manager to let him know what has happened. I told him I’d finish the route, which has 3 more stops, 1 in Ozark and 2 in Dothan but then I’d be looking to get off the truck and meet up with my wife on the road so I can start heading to Knoxville. He agrees to let me leave as long as my co-driver had enough hours on his log book to get the truck back. I don’t remember much of the deliveries. I felt like a zombie. All I really remember clearly was trying as hard as I could to not think about anything. I remember a mantra going through my head telling myself to focus and just get everything off the truck. Customers at the restaurants were trying to make small talk but I wasn’t talking. I was just going through the motions.

We finished the route and I talked to Dawn again to arrange where we were going to meet. I looked at times and figured we could meet where interstates 10 and 75 come together in Live Oak Florida. It would take about 3 hours. I don’t really remember anything in this 3 hours. I think I went into the sleeper. I don’t remember anything clearly at all.

I met up with Dawn at a gas station in Live Oak and drove her car with my 2 youngest kids and Dawn’s Aunt to Knoxville. I was so tired for being awake the last 18 or so hours that I could only drive as far as Atlanta. We checked into a motel in Marietta GA.

Friday November 4th

We woke up around 8:00 and I drove the rest of the way to Knoxville. We checked into a motel and went to meet up with my ex Michelle at a mall to get some clothes for the funeral on Saturday. After this we drove to a flower shop to get some arrangements for the funeral and then to the Rose mortuary to view Samuel.

My intentions in this post was to chronicle the emotions of this experience. But my mind in the week that has passed is well on it’s way to block these emotions from surfacing. I can tell you that I broke down in tears as I looked at my little grandson….laying in a casket. This little tiny human life, gone. My heart is completely broken and I feel nothing but love and a whole lot of pain. I stood in the viewing room with all of the immediate family. I’m doing my best to avoid making eye contact with anyone. I give hugs when someone comes near me but my whole demeanor is trying to keep my emotions in check. I have it in my head I HAVE to be strong for my daughter and son-in-law. I don’t remember specific conversations with Breanna and Dylan. I remember spewing something out about staying strong for each other. But my words feel as empty as my soul feels when I gave them away.

We met at Michelle’s house for a small get together for a few hours. I drank some beers to help numb my emotions. Again, I don’t remember specific things I spoke about. I was physically at the house but mentally I was miles away. I don’t think I was even on the same planet.

The funeral

I was the first one to wake up in the motel on Saturday. We had to be at the church for the ceremony just before noon. I woke up around 9:00 AM and sat down to write out a Eulogy. I’d love to be able to post what I wrote however I lost the paper I wrote it on when we left Knoxville. I think I accidentally threw it away at the motel.

We stopped for breakfast on the way to the church. We got there a half hour early or so and drove up at the same time as Michelle and Dylan’s parents. This whole day is in my mind in a fog because I’m trying my hardest not to let the emotion come back. But here’s what I do remember well.

There were alot…I don’t know how many people exactly but alot of people in that church. I stood up in the front with Breanna and Dylan, Michelle and her husband, Dylan’s parents and myself and Dawn. We shook hands and hugged the people that came for the service. I touched so many people. Now I’m an empath and physical touch is my love language. I was not expecting to have to stand up in the front of the church, in front of the open casket of my grandson and I certainly wasn’t expecting to have to talk to anyone. I remember say “thank you sir and thank you mam” a bunch of times to people I’d never met or had only met once a year before at Breanna and Dylan’s wedding in the very same church.

I gave the first Eulogy. Or at least I tried. It took me 45 minutes write it and it wasn’t in chronological order. I had wrote a few paragraphs and then thought of other things to say at breakfast and added a couple more paragraphs. So as I stood up in front of dozens of people and started to speak, I could hear sobbing in the congregation. I would look up from time to time but the only people I made eye contact with were Breanna and Dylan. I lost my place on the paper about 3/4 of the way through. I went into panic mode feeling the emotions surfacing and ad libed some words and went back to my seat. I flubbed my eulogy, Breanna and Dylan did not. I was and still am so damned proud of them for being able to talk for as long as they talked in front of that room full of people.  I would love to post their eulogies but out of respect to them at this time I will not. But I assure you they were amazing.

The service ended and only the direct family headed to the graveyard for the burial. Again…I remember being there, I remember the service, but I don’t remember actual words and how long we were there. This entire time the only thing I have on my mind is “don’t cry, don’t feel, don’t cry, don’t feel.”  

I don’t know why but I just can’t allow someone to see my grief emotions. My mom was one of only a few I felt comfortable with expressing sadness. Now it’s my fiance Dawn. But to this day I have not let these horrible sad emotions out of me. They are still in there waiting for a time to explode I’m sure. I’m not looking forward to that day.

We had dinner at Michelle’s house again that night. The church Breanna works at donated a huge spread of food for the family. That night was full of emotion. There was singing, there was crying and there was fighting. There is still things left to be said about the emotions and reactions of some people that night and I will not go into what and whom. You had to be there.

In closing

I know I need to talk to a therapist. Every now and then I feel tears come welling up into my eyes and feel the black curtains forming in my vision. But I don’t want to deal with the pain. I’ve had so much in my life. Maybe someday……..

I was there in spirit Samuel. I’m so sorry I didn’t make it to meet you in person. I’ll never….ever..forget you.