Have you ever listened to just 1 song over and over for hours? Days? I do this semi-often. There are a number of songs that when I get into, I listen to over and over. When Tesla released “Forever More” in 2008 I was ecstatic!! This is perhaps my favorite band of all time. (I vacillate between Tesla and Alice In Chains) One song in particular on this album is called “In a hole again.” Everything about this song resonates with me. The chords they use. I’m very partial to songs that have Am in them like this one does. It’s like my body resonates close the the same frequency the Am chord produces. The lyrics as well.

So I just got over listening to this song over and over again after 8 years. I learned how to play it on guitar a few days ago. I’m getting back in to playing guitar again. Perhaps I’ll get into that in another post. So if you haven’t heard the song and may be interested, here is a link to it on You tube. In a hole again – Tesla

Not only the chords this song has in them but the lyrics hit home completely to me as well. I mean most every thought in this song I’ve had at one time or another and especially lately with all the pain and depression I’ve been having. I feel I’m going through a “Dark night of the soul.” Here is a link to the lyrics. In a hole again lyrics

 My recent Dark night of the soul

Every day I battle with the same emotions and feelings. Monday through Friday it starts with my job. I start anywhere between 7:00 PM and 5:00 AM and typically work a 11-13 hour day. Some routes take over 24 to do but are teamed. The team routes aren’t so bad as the solo routes are. The company has 2 people that do all the routing and I must say they do things the hard way. They build the routes based on average times of the past 13 weeks allegedly. I’ve crunched these numbers numerous times and don’t see how it’s possible. And they don’t allow for extra time to look up where you’re going from one stop to the next. There are typically 8-15 stops a day. Most of the time over 10. It’s not uncommon to pass the same restaurant or kitchen multiple times a day. They cater too much to the delivery times requested by each customer. It’s not cost effective with the extra money wasted on fuel for unneeded extra miles back tracking every day.

Sorry, I went on a tangent with work. The point I’m trying to make is the job is very stressful because when I’m solo I’m constantly battling time and the clock. Trying to move as fast as I can and carry as much weight as possible and wasting as little time as I can to try and catch back up. But so many things fight you from gaining time when you’re alone. Needless to say my job stresses the living shit out of me. I don’t want to live by the clock anymore. I’d rather live by the natural time of the earth and the seasons not the Julian calendar. If I didn’t have to wake up to an alarm and keep someone else’s  schedule, I’d be a night owl. I love the graveyard shift. I love being outside especially on a full moon.

So after a long and stressful day at work I come home to more stress. My relationship with both my fiance and kids are strained through no fault of their own. My kids act out and misbehave everyday both in school but mostly home. I don’t do anything one on one with them and that is part of the problem. I have a computer addiction for one. I play video games, surf the internet and write way too often. The computer is my only outlet in life that I get pleasure from. I am attracted to my fiance beyond measure and to the point of obsession. But our libido’s couldn’t be on further ends of the spectrum. We’ve been dealing with this for 8 years. I can’t take much more. I’ve been faithful largely in part to the fact I have zero outside contact with people other than work. I don’t have any friends I visit regularly. My life is fucking sad. And it’s my own fault I guess. I blame it on being introverted or having social anxiety. I hate people so much at work by the way other people drive. Oh my god don’t even get me started on the frustration I get from seeing how ignorantly and stupid so many people drive. And the feeling of hate I get totally contradicts the way I want to feel. I don’t want to dislike people. The best satisfaction I get in life is the feeling I get by helping another person out in some way or form.

I never know from one day to the next if I’m going to keep my job and keep my relationship. Both are in jeopardy. My job because I’m slow at what I do compared to the younger guys. And my relationship because I miss physical companionship. I’ve had a grandson die and just a few days ago an older cousin. I’ve known so many people that have died. Death is so hard for me to deal with. And this I’m sure is because of my second guessing of organized religion. I truly believe it’s all made up shit to keep populations under control. I believe in evidence and truth. And I don’t see much evidence in any organized religions claims of a omnipotent being. Especially one conserved with how much money you are donating to your church or place of worship.

It’s time to crawl out of this hole I’m in. I just need to trust my faith in what I believe. It’s time I listen and trust my own intuition. I’m asking the universe to send me a sing or show my the paths I can take. Can’t wait to see the response. Stay tuned.