The present

It’s 11:11 PM while I start to write this blog entry. I’m listening to Three Dog Nights “Old fashioned love song” trying to break my absolutely foul mood that I’ve been existing in the past few weeks.  Because I can’t seem to write anything but hate, scorn depression or angst, I rarely write. I mean I understand that nobody wants to read anything that brings them down. But I HAVE to get this shit out of my head! My significant other has moved on from my depression. I’m sure I’ve drove everyone else out long ago. So here comes an old fashioned hate blog, one I’m sure I wrote for you and me. Just an old fashioned hate blog, coming down in three part harmony…….

I wanted to get the this blog out and published before I check myself into the psychiatry ward of the hospital. Again. Because I know one thing for sure, when I do eventually get out, there will be some major life changes going down for me. I’m ready to fall of the grid. Ready to exist in a life of mediocrity and homelessness. I’m a complete failure at everything I do. When I was younger I could do just about everything I did with ease and very well. That isn’t the case anymore. Maybe it’s age, maybe it’s my illness, I don’t know.  Either way I just really don’t want to exist one more fucking day the way life is right now.

My 14 year relationship is on it’s last leg. I’ve pretty much checked out of it. The only mood I get talked to by my fiance is a mood of contempt and scorn. I mean I don’t blame her, but it does NOTHING to want to keep me in it any longer. Her libido came to a complete halt with ME years ago. I’ve tried to be accommodating to it for years but I just can’t do it anymore. I miss being able to touch another woman with love and affection. To feel a loving embrace from another woman. I haven’t had that in years. I’ve had hugs and an embrace when I was in deep emotional trauma or sharing her emotional trauma. But the rest of the time has been the unconcern of my nature given desires that for 9 years, I have kept faithful. I’m at my breaking point. I will give in, it’s not a question of IF, but WHEN.

How does anyone get to a point that they would commit suicide or leave everyone and everything behind? Fill your world with hate, scorn and discontent that’s how. I can see failures in most things I do, I can’t see anything I’ve done right other than what I’ve done wrong. I guess I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all.

The past

I have what I think is an easy dream for my life on this planet. All I want is enough wealth to live off the grid to be able to pay my bills and groceries. I don’t wish to be a millionaire, no far from it. Being debt free would be my biggest dream in the world come true. I thought writing was going to be the thing that gets me there. I don’t have the tenacity to make it come true.

Writing enables you to make good money, do something you love to do and still avoid being in the spotlight as you can pen name and hide real identity from the world of you so desire. And I sooooooo desire to live out of the spotlight. Ever wonder why so many musicians and actors commit suicide? Living under a microscope is a god awful existence for an empathic person.

I’ve felt emotions and thoughts from other people and animals, since as far back as I can remember. I thought it was normal until at an early age I was taught that people can’t do that sort of thing. It’s only something Hollywood writes and does stories about. It’s not real. Well fuck, then what the hell am I still feeling shit from others for? If it can’t happen why IS IT happening to me? So many things in the world have been taught to us that are total lies or complete omissions of the truth.

I’ve been taught that the voices in my head are really not there and that they are a sign of sickness. I’m hallucinating these voices or am just imagining them. It’s my mental illness and must take medication for it. Or is it?

A few years ago I wrote about how different I felt after being off of the mood stabilizers, anti-psychotic and anti depressant/anxiety meds. I was on them for so many years that when I finally came off of them I felt what it was like to truly be alive again. I had been living in a medication induced haze for so many years and forced “therapy” for years to tell me how unnatural what I feel is. And stupid ass me bought into it KNOWING they were full of it but not wanting to believe it. It was the medical therapy people that were trying to tell me what “normal” was. I think I have a better grasp on the obvious than any of these scholars have. Look, I don’t look upon doctors and therapists with contempt. I understand they have a job to do and paid a shit ton of money to get the degrees they need to do their jobs. But what if…..they are giving false information from a source with much more power on the Earth than most everybody realizes? You know the description of this power under many names: Evilness, hell, Satan.

I’m not a big believer in organized religion, never have been. Although I’ve attended bible schools, confirmation, church for most of my early life. I guess I started unbelieving when I’d see the people I’d see in church, fall from grace as fast as the news could write about it. The hypocrisy was thick, it was in your face and glaring darkly at you. Enough that the irony couldn’t be avoided.

I’ve learned irony is one of the biggest cover-ups of truth out there. It’s much simpler to label something “ironic” and move along with your life than seriously contemplate what the fuck is really going on.

One last thing before I move on to the future. Don’t you just love the word Therapist? I mean break that word into two words. The rapist. Who’s really fucking you with the shit they are shoveling? The rapist or yourself?

The future

I’m bout as low as I can get. I’d leave but I can’t forget. Still I wonder why it ain’t right!!! – Alice in Chains “Right turn”

When I try to sit, meditate and look at where I’ll be down the road. 3 years, 3 months, 3 weeks from now the only thing I see is black and loneliness. As I write this I realize I’m living in a song long ago written by the Rolling Stones. Paint it black. Here are the lyrics I’m living…