Somewhere along the line, most of us have been in a loving relationship with a significant other. Someone that was exclusive to just us. Someone we shared our emotions and hope and love and pain and everything in between.

We’ve experienced at least one relationship like this or maybe a couple. Every new relationship seems to start with an exciting spark. You can feel the electricity pulsing from our heart to our fingertips and lips. The touch of your new mate feels like the pull two magnets get when they’re held close together.

One of my favorite close and bonding things to do is cuddle close and explore my mates body with my lips. To feel the energy of her body give that tiny electric feeling into my lips and that make my heart feel complete.

In the book “The five love languages” by Gary Chapman, I relate the most to “physical touch” to convey and feel love. I’ve only been with 1 other woman (my first love) where we both spoke the same love language.

The sensitivity of touch doesn’t just pertain to lovers. I’m very sensitive; to even go so far as to be highly empathic, it pertains to other people and even animals. This became especially true after listening to binary beats and pineal gland vibrations through headphones while meditating.

How long these feelings we have towards our mate last very s with each individual. I’ve been fortunate to be in a relationship for 14 years to a woman that used to make me feel every bit as excited as I described above.  I have never been so physically attracted to a woman as I was my fiance. Note the keyword in there, was. It’s not that I don’t think she’s still attractive. My lust for her has been replaced by agitation now. I used to want to touch and caress her. Now I get irritated seeing her and knowing she doesn’t enjoy nor really want me to touch her. That hurts. Badly.

Times making changes

So what happened to my relationship to change the way I felt? It has more to do with how I’ve changed but also with how she has changed as well. Our spiritual paths seem to be going in opposite directions and with different means of getting there.

I have not become the positive source of reinforcement my fiance has been looking for. In fact I am a mess when it comes to any kind of stable emotions. My fucking emotions are all over the place at any given moment. I’ve just started taking an “oldie but a goodie” Prozac a few days ago. In the weeks before I’ve been on a few different anti-anxiety, anti-depressant, even a mild anti-psychotic.

I prefer to keep my exact diagnosis to myself at this point as labels tend to put false meaning on the subject. But I digress.

While I’m not filling my fiance’s needs of a more involved man around the house and with her and the kids, I’m avoiding her and anyone else for that matter. My fiance doesn’t have any kind of physical intimacy with me and hasen’t for many months. And I’ll only mention but not go into detail, the downward spiral of my fiance’s libido. It’s all made for a whirlwind or tidepool of neglect from both of us to one another. Both of us too stubborn or too proud or too something to give in to the others needs without our own needs being given to us. It’s an endless cycle……..

Does any of this sound familiar to you? Do you relate to anything I’m saying here? Or is it just me? Here are some more of the feelings I’m going through while my relationship crumbles around me.

I don’t stop looking towards other woman that may be able to fill the void I’m feeling in my life. And the desire to be with someone is getting stronger by the day. I still have the feeling and desire to get back to something with my fiance. But my hope is on it’s last thread. It’s been years of  the physical, intimate touching I miss.

Each time I catch myself pondering what a relationship with another woman might feel like, I feel guilt. I feel guilt that I’m feeling guilty. I feel guilty for looking away from my relationship and possibly separating.  We have 2 kids together both near teens. I feel horrible that I should be being a much better father to those loves of my life but I can’t see past my own ache for physical closeness. I’m 47 and I feel my time is running out. I feel an impending doom hanging over my head that the bottom is about to drop out on the entire world as we know it.

I think about what I’ve accomplished in this world until now and I feel even more guilt and shame. My kids both are inflicted with the same mental illness I have been labeled with. But I question whether it’s an illness at all or just an alt consciousness.

No matter what there is only one way I can see getting rid of all the guilt and all the depression I have, that doesn’t involve suicide, is making enough money to buy myself out of debt and live debt free. To be able to have enough income to pay for everything you need as a cost of living.

But this world is not geared like that. It’s geared to spend more of your waking moments, working or slaving or selling your time and soul to a corporation or government entity.

Asking for my miracle.

All I want, God, Universe, Karma, Kizmet, Serendipity, is to sell some of my stories one day. And that in some way, my words can help someone else deal with the pain they feel inside as deeply as I feel my own. I want to end someones pain. But I’m afraid I must end my own first. This is what I ask of you universe….please end my pain.  Open my Kundalini and third eye and let me see the way of righteousness and truth.