How do you know when you’ve hit rock bottom? How miserable does your life have to feel before you realize you can sink no lower? I thought I knew the answer to that question. And then I went into the worst depression I’ve ever known for the past several months. I honestly feel like this blog has turned from changing your bad karma to now it has become my final memoirs.

20 years ago I thought I knew what it felt like to hit rock bottom. At that time it was because I got into drugs. Methamphetamine to be exact. Over the period of about 8 months, I quit my career paying job, lost my house, marriage and car.

It all hit me one night. There I was in a small shitty motel room in South Lake Tahoe CA with one of my brothers who at the time was a heroin addict. He sat on one bed shooting up heroin and I sat on the other bed smoking meth. I looked at him with disgust thinking how sickening it was for him to be doing such an horrible drug. That’s when the voice in my head screamed at me. “LOOK AT YOURSELF!”  It was then and there I realized I hit my all time low. There was no mistaking it and the sign was perfectly clear.

I quit doing meth and tried to get my marriage back. It was too late. I caused more than enough damage to lose my wife and 3 year old daughter. Then when she left me alone with my mortgage and unpaid bills, my life was unraveling at lightning speed. It was too late. I felt horrible and depressed. But that depression is a drop in the bucket compared to what I’m feeling now.

I’ve been in a committed relationship for 14 years. We have 2 kids but have never married. I’ve been on a leave of absence from work the past 3 months and disability keeps denying my claim for small bullshit reasons. It wasn’t enough I’ve had MD’s fill out there paperwork. They apparently also wanted office visit notes as well. That wasn’t mentioned until after I went through all the other shit they wanted me to do. And they still keep finding reasons to deny my claim. So I’ve had ZERO income the past 3 months. My (wife) doesn’t make enough money to cover the mortgage and bills on her own. So our relationship is at it’s wits end. All because I’ve hit the worst depression of my life several months ago.

There is no specific thing I can pin this too. Last year I made an entry on this blog that was about my first born grandson Samuel Wilson. He died just 28 hours after being born. I was devastated.  I don’t think I’ve ever fully recovered. Honestly I’ve never recovered from any of the death’s of family or friends. I don’t grieve for long. The feeling of crying is so uncomfortable to me that I hold it back with everything I’ve got. If I do cry, it’s on my (wife’s) shoulder and locked in a private room. I can’t deal with loss. I can’t cry. So the past 35 years of my life since the death of my grandfather, I’ve been holding in grievance and sadness over his and every death of a loved one since. And there have been several.

The past 3 months since I’ve been out of work, every day of my life can be summed up the same way. I wake up in the late morning early afternoon. I get on my computer and play a video game. I talk with some guys I know in the game but have no other contact with people outside of my game. Sometimes I’ll pick up my guitar and play along to some songs and every now and then I write. Then I stay up until 2-4 AM. Every day is the same. I get so agitated and anxious when I go into public that I literally have to psych myself up to leave the house. Then I spend every moment away from the house on pins and needles hoping and praying I don’t have to have contact with another human being.

I see my life falling apart all around me and I feel powerless to stop it. My relationship is on it’s last leg and I just finished sending a text message to my brothers and sister to not contact me anymore. Although they rarely do. I moved from California 14 years ago in 2004. Since then I had 1 brother and 1 sister come visit me when I overdosed on medication in 2009. I’ve had a niece come visit several times and a nephew once. My mom used to come visit me when she was alive. 14 years and nobody.

I have so little contact with the outside world or society that I don’t know the answer to the question but I have one nevertheless. Is everyone feeling low and stressed? I know NOBODY that is joyful and happy.  Everyone I know is under stress and feeling anxious or down.

Spiritualists say that the human race is entering a new age of awakening and consciousness. If that is true it would easily explain why everyone is so stressed. Our world makes so little sense. There is so much violence hate and discontent. And the media is at the center of it. It’s the only thing they report on or talk about. And when you realize the truth that 98% of the media in the United States is owned by the same super wealthy globalist elitists it makes you wonder. Or maybe it’s just me.