Much has happened in the two months since I’ve last wrote in this blog.  My 14 year relationship is rocky at best. I’ve written about it a little here and there. Her and I have been through so much shit together in 14 years, it seems like more downs than ups if you choose to look at it that way. I’ve been trying so hard the past few months to not look so negatively at the world around me or the world close to me.

Tonight my long time fiancé and I had a calm serious talk about what we want from each other in this relationship and whether or not we are even willing or able to give the other what we’re looking for out of each other.

She wants me to be more involved with things around the house. Such as the kids for instance. We have a 12 and 10 year old. Admittedly I’m not very involved in their lives which is a damn shame in looking at it. I know how wrong it is and I really don’t want it to be this way. My kids so deserve a father that is active in their lives. I can use the excuse that my father wasn’t an active member in my life either so I had no role model to look to for advice. Couple the fact that he died 6 years ago and I’m going nowhere fast.

Don’t get me wrong, I love both of them, and my oldest and her daughter (my granddaughter) with all my heart and soul. My oldest left with her mom in a divorce when she was just 3. She’s in her mid twenties now. I wasn’t active in her life either. And I know that people will argue this point with me and I see where the opinions come from but I’ll say this anyway. Not having an active role in my kids life doesn’t mean I don’t love them any less. I couldn’t love them any more than I do now. But there is a part of me that can go days, weeks without spending time with them. I know that is wrong. I can’t stop what is within me.

For so many years I’ve tried to stop bad karma from happening to me. It wasn’t until recently that I truly believed I could change it. But life always throws you curves. As happy and content as I’ve felt since February, life is throwing me a sinker. My relationship is likely over in the way that She and I want it. I feel the ugly waves of depression building up inside of me when I dwell on it. But I believe I’ve learned enough in the past few months I can stay above rising water of depression.

We both feel that we’ve invested so much time in one another that it would be a waste to end it now. BUT…..(there’s that word) the realization that neither of us are likely to be what the other wants has set in. I’m not going to be the involved Dad and Husband she is so desperately looking for and she isn’t going to start wanting sex any time soon. We’re stuck.

I write about this in the hopes that I will somehow find a way through this difficult road I’m on the precipice of. And if I can help just 1 person reading this by the, hopefully, good way I make it through it. I don’t write this for sympathy or a shoulder to cry on. I simply want to help someone else that struggles in life the same way I do, try to get out of their head and into life.

Neither of us want to start another new relationship but we’re near the conclusion that it’s the only way to go. I know I’ll not likely find a woman that fits my definition of a loving partner and that can feed my desires for sex. And she will likely not find a man that can be involved and not want sex. Unless she trolls an impotency group or something. IE, we’re both going to HAVE to do in a new relationship what we’re not willing to do in THIS one. What a fucking conundrum.

I have been seeing so damn much synchronicity in numbers lately that I figured I was on the right path with things going well between her and I. Seems those numbers may actually be pointing to a separation, not a togetherness.

So anyway, if you come read this blog for my insight into things I’m afraid I’m about to disappoint you too. I don’t have the means or willingness I suppose to fix my own relationship so it’s pretty damn stupid to help others through theirs. Over the course of the next several months, expect things to come down a notch as I battle my way through depression and see how well my coping skills I’ve picked up since my last hospital stay help as well.

Peace be with you all. Nemaste.