I have so much on my mind these days. I often ponder how many other people in the world think like I do. Feel like I feel. Do you know what it’s like to be in a sea of people and yet feel totally alone? It’s like no one gets you.

Welcome to my world. The past few months have been so uneventful and a complete waste of time on my part. I feel so disconnected from the rest of the world I feel like no matter what I write about, nobody is going to relate to me. So basically I feel like I’m writing to myself with nobody in particular in mind.

I listen to Coast to Coast A.M. while I’m at work, driving across the state of Florida every night. It is the most boring job imaginable. Driving a semi in and of itself is a maddening experience because you are a target for people to cut off and drive rudely. Giving you the finger for doing nothing more than trying to avoid hitting all these people that are driving with their god damn phone in their hands. I don’t know how many of you have sat and really thought about how many people drive with a phone in their hands, on their lap, or mounted on the dash. I can see down into cars I pass and have a birds eye view of the inside of the car. Even at night, in fact it’s easier to see people with their phone on, watching a video or face time, while speeding down the interstate. I can promise you, that unless you have a job that has you on the road, 10+ hours a night, it would be very hard to believe how many phones you see lit up inside cars and people engaging with them. It’s a lot more than you think I can assert.

I can drive my entire shift without listening to radio or anything but the sound of the wheels howling on the road. This is when my mind is the most active. I’m hyper alert for other people and my engagement with passer byes is often irritating.  So now I’ve developed kind of a distaste for other people. And this is not the thing you do if you’re trying to be a writer and you need to engross pleasantly enough for people to keep reading my writings.

How do you do at concerts, or pro sports games or the apex of it all, NASCAR race? 100+ people that love to watch cars drive fast. For me attending something like this leaves me feeling very drained and tired. These events literally suck the life right out of me. At times I wonder whether or not I’m simply a human being, or an extra-terrestrial trapped in a human’s body. I can look at other people and see this as well.

So I haven’t been to a concert in 6-7 years. I live in Daytona Beach and have never attended a race their in the 5 years I’ve lived here. The last sports event I watched was actually 4 months ago in Knoxville, TN, where I watched the Smokies minor league baseball team. I love watching baseball, it’s my favorite sport to watch, but doing it in the midst of so many other people make it a sweet and sour experience.

See, if you haven’t figured it out yet, I have quite an eversion to society. But I know somehow, someway, I’m going to find a way to change my feelings and thoughts about people to make loving everyone I engage with instead of just a few.

So I’m feeling lost as hell and not in a place that I can write about something pleasant to read. This is why I haven’t written in a few months. I’m so caught up in my 9 to 5 and family and home that I feel trapped and guarded. So inspiration to write something doesn’t hit when I have downtime. I sleep way too much. I spend many hours a night just inside my own head thinking about………oh hell I could write a novel, just on my nightly, inside my head thoughts. I wonder how many of you pay attention and can track what you think about.

I started writing this page with nothing to say except to explain why I haven’t been writing much lately. But things may change quickly if I get another position at work and get a medication I need to feel “normal” again. So if you feel lost after getting to the end of this page, just know you where in my head. Lost as well. Welcome to my world.

Peace/Love

*PS I didn’t properly proof read this as of yet and apologize now for run on sentences and incomplete thoughts. I’ll fix them soon.