If you read back to my last several posts, you’ll see I’ve been on a downward spiral of depression and anxiety since June of last year. I even took down my last blog entry because of the downright depressing words I vomited on the page. Now, I’d like to think I’m back on track with my life and emotions.

At the beginning of 2017 I was still feeling rather depressed after the death of my first born grandson Samuel. I have huge issues handling death of anyone close to me. I have zero coping skills for handling grief. This is something I’m going to work on in 2018.

By June, I was in full burnout mode after working for the same employer for 1 year. I was putting in a minimum of 60-70 hours a week. My Monday through Friday consisted of waking up in the middle of the night, going to work for 12-16 hours a day and one route that lasted 24 or so hours that goes all the way to Alabama and the Florida panhandle.

I had a panic attack and/or nervous breakdown in June and went inpatient at a hospital in Daytona Beach. I was there about 1 week and no sooner got out and then had a face full of life thrown at me. My sister in law’s oldest 29 year old daughter had unexpectedly passed. I’m keeping her cause of death private for now out of respect to my sister in law.  My wife was on a plane to Salt Lake City within hours after the news, to be with her sister. I stayed home with our 2 kids.

My Sister in law lived for many years in Kentucky, as did her daughter, so they had many friends there. Ashlee was cremated and her ashes brought to Kentucky from Utah for a couple of memorial services.

I took our kids and headed to Kentucky to be with my wife and her nieces family for the memorial.  I was still on FMLA leave from work so getting the time off wasn’t necessary.

So, I didn’t really get any time to process my nervous breakdown and grief for my grandson when this tragic situation happened. I went back to work after being off a month and started therapy with a LCSW. I was on medications after my hospital stay but they quickly stopped being very effective as my depression began to take hold. I went through many different psychiatrists until I found one towards the end of the year. I also took a leave of absence from work in October that I’m still on today. I’m due to go back to work Feb 14th. Thank God my company is working with me while I get my life back together.

As you can see in my last several posts I was slipping further and further down. My depression and anxiety were spiraling down and out of control.

So to my readers, you have my sincere apologies for all the negative posts I was putting out in 2017. This blog is supposed to be about my journey from negative thinking into positive thinking. But my depression/anxiety had firm control over my emotions. It’s no wonder I have such a low reader base when I’m putting out such sadness and negative emotions out there.

So 3 days after the New Year, I found myself in the hospital again after having another nervous breakdown. I stayed another week and had my medications adjusted and/or boosted. I really hate having to rely on medications to live a somewhat normal life but I know what life feels like without it. And it’s a dark, negative, dismal life to live.

So I’m committing to myself, a change in my negative thinking. I will beat this damn illness! I’m getting to an age that I’ll be losing many more family members and then friends. I better learn to cope with grief in a healthy manner instead of burying it and locked in chains where I don’t even go in my mind.

The moral of the story is grief should never be kept inside. It finds it’s way out eventually. And when it finds it’s way out, it’s much like a volcano erupting. You have leaks of lava and earthquakes for awhile and then……..BOOM!!

I have some issues to work through this year. If you suffer from depression and/or anxiety and also are struggling to cope, then I hope I can be of some assistance in finding a way out of your funk.

Here’s to a better year in 2018. Until next time…….