I started my blog as a tool to measure and physically see how just changing my thoughts and perception of the world around me can change bad karma that may be plaguing me. I’m making it a public blog so that others may use this tool in their own lives to change the way they are perceiving the world and bad karma that may be afflicting them in their own lives. Here’s how:

If you’re tired of life throwing shit in your fan and always feeling anxious and depressed than you’re just like me. I’ve been going to clinical therapy and seeing doctors and psychiatrists for years to try and change and/or deal with my feelings. For years I’ve felt like no matter what I do it turns to shit. And do you know what? It has!! Do you know why? Because I believe it will!!  It sounds so simple that it’s hard to believe but guess what, it’s undeniably true. The way you think and what you think turns into fruition in the world around you.

How did anything you use get built? Your computer, car, pen, anything you use before it became what it is, was first and only a thought. Think about that for a second and really let this sink in. EVERY INVENTION YOU HAVE EVER TOUCHED WAS FIRST AN IDEA OR THOUGHT IN SOMEONES BRAIN. The inventor may have got their idea from something else but bigger than shit it was and idea or simple thought in their brain first. The sad thing is it didn’t just go “poof” and come to life, no. They had to build, test and retest failure after failure before it became what it ended up being. That is the hardest lesson in life to accept I think. In order to succeed, you must first fail. A lot. Much more than you ever succeed you will fail.

Life seems to be about failing much more than it is about succeeding. But it’s how you perceive these failures that make or break you. If you look back at all your failures and let the thought and feeling of that failure define you, it keeps being the forefront of your reality. This blog is a perfect example of that. My idea at the start was to do something to help other people could achieve what they wanted out of life. The dream was, I’d write a book and make enough money to get out of debt and maybe put my kids through college. The problem I’ve had is I’ve never really and truly thought about the end result really clearly. I’ve had the idea of what I want but have never thoroughly envisioned it.

So my idea was to start a blog to physically see this process written out over time. It’s been two years and I’ve made no money and am no closer to my goal of being financially independent than I was when this idea popped into my head. Because of a few reasons. The first is I’ve not put a lot of time into it. You can look back and see blog entries every other month or so. When you listen to these self help gurus tell you how to roll around and wipe your ass in hundred dollar bills they have all said nearly the same thing. “You have to commit just 5 minutes A DAY every day to achieve your goal.” In other words you have to work daily to achieve and bring an idea into the world.

You can go back into this blog and see entries in which I am just loathing and struggling with depression and anxiety to the point of being suicidal. Feeling overwhelmed and totally devastated that nothing, even though I’m trying, is turning out the way I envisioned it. Again, I didn’t have a clear end result and I’m not putting in the time. So you have 2 years worth of ups and downs. Guess what. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT LIFE IS!! Isn’t it? I’m finally seeing what life and what these fucking gurus have been spewing for years, come into fruition right before our eyes. It’s the evidence of everything I believe and it can’t hide and is tangible in my eyes. It’s my proof and your proof. Only it’s taking me years to figure out but hopefully for those that read this blog can see much faster. Do you see how my idea and goal is coming true? You can do the same exact thing!!!!  All you have to do is try.

Try it with me. We can make a community of depressed and anxious failures writing down and making an online diary of our failures together. Because as you see, you’ll write more failures….far more…than good thoughts down. But it’s what it takes to make it you see?

I’m at a point in my life right now as I write this entry that I feel pretty ok in life and feel things are really starting to turn around. My relationship with my significant other is still going after 15 years and hasn’t ended, although it should have many times. Now she has a lot to do with that but that is another story. The point is it hasn’t failed yet, it’s still going even though neither one of us has put the work into it to make it our Nirvana. I feel I can’t bring her what I think she needs as long as I’m feeling so damn depressed and down about my failing to become a writer. In my mind, I’ve envisioned a failed, miserable person next to her and guess what. IT’S EXACTLY HOW I’M SEEING IT!!  God dammit why does life have this much irony???

I can guarantee with 100% certainty that if you feel like you’re not where you want to be in your life right now that you are exactly how you are perceiving yourself to be. Let that sink in a minute. You truly are exactly what you think. And if you’re not where you want to be, or feeling how you think you should than you are putting more time and effort into thinking about failing and being anxious and depressed, than you are thinking about being happy. In my life this blog is the proof of that. You see I’m one of those Missouri type people that have to see it to believe it. I’m seeing my failure and success unfolding right before my eyes. And I’m on the precipices of good things happening I can feel it.

It’s taking a long time but I’m seeing and feeling and most importantly, FEELING the world around me change because I have a much clearer vision of the end result. I’m seeing peoples comments either on this blog or in private that what I’m saying is making sense.  And that feeling when I hear or read those is what is giving me the feeling of winning and doing the right thing.

Thank you for reading and I’ll keep plugging away at this if you’ll keep following. If you’d like to send your own blog, make sure you send a link to it so I can follow.

Nemaste.